The Morning Show Archives
Here are some of the "classic gems" we've read on the air!
EASTER STORY COOKIES
You will need:
Preheat oven to 300 deg. Place pecans in zipper baggie and let children beat them with the wooden spoon to break into small pieces. Explain that after Jesus was arrested he was beaten by the Roman soldiers. Read John 19:1-3.
Let each child smell the vinegar. Put I tsp. vinegar into mixing bowl. Explain that when Jesus was thirsty on the cross he was given vinegar to drink. Read John 19:28-30.
Add egg whites to vinegar. Eggs represent life. Explain that Jesus gave his life to give us life. Read John 10:10-11.
Sprinkle a little salt into each child's hand. Let them taste it and brush the rest into the bowl. Explain that this represents the salty tears shed by Jesus' followers and the bitterness of our own sin. Read Luke 23:27.
So far, the ingredients are not very appetizing. Add I c. sugar. Explain that the sweetest part of the story is that Jesus died because He loves us. He wants us to know and belong to Him. Read Psalm 34:8 and John 3:16.
Beat with a mixer on high speed for 12 to 15 minutes until stiff peaks are formed. Explain that the color white represents the purity in God's eyes of those whose sins have been cleansed by Jesus. Read Isaiah 1:18 and John 3:1-3.
Fold in broken nuts. Drop by teaspoons onto wax paper covered cookie sheet. Explain that each mound represents the rocky tomb where Jesus' body was laid. Read Matthew 27:57-60.
Place the cookie sheet in the oven, close the door and turn the oven OFF. Give each child a piece of tape and seal the oven door. Explain that Jesus' tomb was sealed. Read Matthew 27:65-66.
GO TO BED: Explain that they feel sad to leave the cookies in the oven overnight. Jesus' followers were in despair when the tomb was sealed. Read John 16: 20 and 22.
On Easter morning, open the oven and give everyone a cookie. Notice the cracked surface. Take a bite. The cookies are hollow! On the first Easter Jesus' followers were amazed to find the tomb open and empty. Read Matthew 28:1-9.
HE HAS RISEN!
IF...
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when something goes wrong through no fault of yours and those you love take it out on you,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without aromatherapy,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics,
Then, my friends, you are almost as good as your dog.
(This one's for Tucker)
LINCOLN LETTER
(This was taken from a letter to the headmaster
of Abraham Lincoln's son's school)
He will have to learn, I know, that all men are not just, all men are not
true, But teach him also that for every scoundrel there is a hero; That for
every selfish politician, there is a dedicated leader...Teach him that for
every enemy there is a friend. It will take time, I know; but teach him, if
you can, that a dollar earned is of far more value than five found....Teach
him to learn to lose...and also to enjoy winning. Steer him away from envy,
if you can, teach him the secret of quiet laughter. Let him learn early that
the bullies are the easiest to lick....Teach him, if you can, the wonder of
book...but also give him quiet time to ponder the eternal mystery of birds
in the sky, bees in the sun, and flowers on a green hillside.
(This was taken from a letter to the headmaster
of Abraham Lincoln's son's school)
In school teach him it is far more honorable to fail than to cheat...Teach him to have faith in his own ideas, even if everyone tells him they are wrong...Teach him to be gentle with gentle people, and tough with the tough. Try to give my son the strength not to follow the crowd when everyone is getting on the band wagon...Teach him to listen to all men...but teach him also to filter all he hears on a screen of truth, and take only the good that comes through.
Teach him, if you can, how to laugh when he is sad....Teach him there is no shame in tears. Teach him to scoff at cynics and to beware of too much sweetness....Teach him to sell his brawn and brain to the highest bidders, but never to put a price tag on his heart and sound. Teach him to close his ears to a howling mob....and to stand and fight if he thinks he is right.
Treat him gently, but do not coddle him, because only the test of fire makes fine steel. Let him have the courage to be impatient...let him have the patience to be brave. Teach him always to have sublime faith in himself, because then he will always have sublime faith in mankind.
This is a big order, but see what you can do...He is such a fine little fellow, my son!
Abraham Lincoln
HOW'S YOUR HANDWRITING?
If your letters slant to the left: Indicates introspection and a lot of emotional control.If letter slant to the right: Reveals a person who's more impulsive, outgoing, friendly, and emotionally open.
If letters are straight up and down: The sign of someone who's ruled by the head, not the heart.
Letters that slant in more than one direction: indicates versatility and adaptability.
An erratic slant usually means a lack of flexibility.
Heavy pressure writing (like you can feel the rib made on the back of the paper) means the writer is agitated.
Moderate pressure (the writing is dark, but you can't feel the rib on the other side of the paper) shows ability to deal with stress.
Light pressure indicates someone who seems to take life in stride.
Tiny Letters: indicate the writer is somewhat low on self esteem but quite high on brain power.
Small Letters: are the hallmark of quiet, introspective types. They're generally detail-oriented and have good powers on concentration.
Large Letters: are usually the sign of a confident, easygoing individual.
Huge Letters: denote someone who's loud, theatrical and needs to be the center of attention at all times.
Wide Letters (their width and height are about the same): The mark of someone who's open and friendly.
Narrow Letters: Show someone who's kind of shy and inhibited but also very self-disciplined.
Letters that don't touch: are the sign on an impulsive, artistic, sometimes impractical free thinker.
Some letters connecting: Means the writer's personality blends logic and intuition.
All letters making contact: The calling card of someone who's highly cautious.
A curved first mark: Shows a person who's traditional and plays by the rules.
A straight beginning stroke: Reveals someone who's rigid and doesn't like being told what to do.
A final stroke straight across: is a clue that the writer is cautious.
An end mark that curves up: shows generosity.
Perfect penmanship: is the hallmark of a communicative person.
An indecipherable scrawl: indicates a person who's secretive, closed-up and likes to keep his thoughts to himself.
Dear Pastor: Here are some funny letters real kids have really sent to
their pastors. Maybe you have received or sent one that is similar.
Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours
sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.
Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix
Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, Anderson
Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven
Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany
Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago
Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota
Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City
Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens
Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh
Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena
Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville
Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron
Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston
Minding Your Manners at Work
Author Nancy Tuckerman, former White House staff coordinator to Jacqueline Kennedy, says that there are many things even polite do that are simply "uncool." Here are the top 5 most common etiquette mistakes...
1. Leaving your phone number too quickly on someone's voice mail or answering machine.
2. Finishing someone else's sentence, idea, or story.
3. Abruptly ending a business lunch or dinner. (She says, gently touch the other person's arm and mention that you need to use the rest room. On your way, ask the waiter to bring you the check after you return to the table.)
4. Rushing through office doors or around corridors. Always bad form.
5. Not writing a thank you note.
I AM THANKFUL FOR......
....The mess to clean up after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends.
....The taxes I pay because it means I am employed.
....The clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.
....A lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.
....My shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.
....The spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking.
....All the complaining about our government because it means we have freedom of speech.
....My large heating bill because it means I am warm.
....The lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear.
....The alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means I am alive.
....The piles of laundry and ironing because it means my loved ones are nearby.
....Weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been productive.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving ! ! !
In the November issue of Ladies Home Journal there is an article about what doctors do to heal themselves when they are sick. Goes through all sorts of common aches and pains and how they fix themselves.
Aching Back: A ziploc baggie filled with ice applied to the spot for twenty minutes several times a day, then two or three days later alternate between heat and ice and gently stretch to help circulation.
Blisters: Never remove the outer bubble of skin. Wash with soap and water then make a pinprick at the base near the edge. Hold gauze against it to catch the liquing then apply Betadine and cover with a clean bandage.
Common Colds: Maitake D-Fraction. Apparently is a tonic found in health food stores. Take five drops in water three times a day.
Corns & Calluses: Pumice stones to soften them and those doughnut pads they sell at drugstores, non-medicated only.
Cramps and Bloating: Exercise
Hiccups: Swallow something textured like granulated sugar, suck on a lemon or gargle with ice water.
Scratchy throat: Gargle with aspirin. Pulverize the tablet, stir it in a cup of warm water, then gargle it for a few minute. Since you don't swallow the aspirin you can do this several times a day with no risk of overdose.
Sore Feet: keep two small water bottles in the freezer, use them as foot rollers to ease the pain of a long day.
WEIRD DEFINITIONS
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Beauty Parlor: A place where some women go to dye.
Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
Hankerchief: Cold Storage.
Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
Myth: A female moth.
Mosquito: An insect that makes flies look good after all.
Raisin: Grape with a sunburn.
Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.
Skeleton: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.
Tomorrow: One of today's greatest labor-saving devices.
Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed.
Wrinkles: Something other people have. You have character lines.
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF
PLASTER AND STONE.
I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO
IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.
I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.
NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.
WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT
CAME THROUGH MY MIND.
FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.
THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.
THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED
A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.
WAS THIS THE HERO
OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
THE FLOOR FOR A BED?
I REALIZED THE FAMILIES
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS
WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.
SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.
THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.
I COULDN'T HELP WONDER
HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE
IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.
THE VERY THOUGHT
BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES
AND STARTED TO CRY.
THE SOLDIER AWAKENED
AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
"SANTA DON'T CRY,
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;
I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."
THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.
I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED
FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.
I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE
ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR
SO WILLING TO FIGHT.
THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."
ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."
This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa Japan.
What a great story to illustrate how Christ identified with us because of His great Love and Compassion. This is the story of how one little boy chose to use his Christmas money in one of those after Christmas sales. Remember, Jesus wanted to understand you and purchased you with something MUCH more valuable than money. Praise HIM!!!! : )
PUPPIES FOR SALE
A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read "Puppies For Sale." Signs like that have a way of attracting small children and sure enough, a little boy appeared under the store owner's sign.
"How much are you going to sell the puppies for?" he asked.
The store owner replied, "Anywhere from $30 to $50."
The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change. "I have $2.37," he said. "Can I please look at them?"
The store owner smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran down the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur. One puppy was lagging considerably behind. Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, "What's wrong with that little dog?"
The store owner explained that the veterinarian had examined the little puppy and had discovered it didn't have a hip socket. It would always limp. It would always be lame.
The little boy became excited. "That is the little puppy that I want to buy."
The store owner said, "No, you don't want to buy that little dog. If you really want him, I'll just give him to you."
The little boy got quite upset. He looked straight into the store owner's eyes, pointing his finger, and said, "I don't want you to give him to me. That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs and I'll pay full price. In fact, I'll give you $2.37 now, and 50 cents a month until I have him paid for."
The store owner countered, "You really don't want to buy this little dog. He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies."
To this, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace. He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, "Well, I don't run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands!"
It is getting really cold outside. Now is NOT the time to get stuck on the side of the road. But if you do, we thought this information might be helpful!
How to Create an Emergency Road Kit for Your Car by Ren Volpe.
Having an emergency road kit may mean the difference between sitting on the side of the highway waiting for a tow truck or being able to make your way to your destination. Terms and Conditions of Use Wanted something else?
1. Get a cardboard or plastic box to keep everything in so it doesn't roll around in the trunk and you can easily find what you need. All of this stuff can be purchased at any of the discount automotive chain stores.
2. Include a AAA or roadside emergency card.
3. Throw in all the necessary equipment to change a tire: working jack, spare tire (with air in it!), lug nut wrench, pipe for leverage.
4. Have a flashlight with fresh batteries in there.
5. Buy triangle reflectors or flares.
6. Include rags and a funnel.
7. Purchase all the necessary fluids: 2 qts. of oil (10W-40), a gallon of water and antifreeze, brake fluid, power-steering fluid (if applicable), and automatic transmission fluid (if applicable).
8. Add flat and Phillips-head screwdrivers, pliers and an adjustable wrench (only to be used in an emergency - adjustable wrenches can easily round the head of bolts).
9. Buy jumper cables (at least eight feet long).
10. Toss in work gloves or latex gloves, duct tape (of course), a blanket, spare fuses and a can of Fix-a- Flat.
Some optional items to consider: a Swiss Army knife, a good book, a credit card, a pillow, a bathing suit, tasty snacks, a beach chair and, to make your mom happy, a pair of clean underwear.
Land O' Lakes has a holiday baking line that you can call. We talked with Julie, the manager of the bake line, on the New Life morning show. You can call them between 9am and 7pm weekdays at 800-782-9606 through Christmas Eve. Have fun baking... and if you wind up with too many cookies, keep Joe and Jill in mind!!! :-)
As a tribute to the Littleton Colorado tragedy, The Family Research Council is offering free book covers that have the 10 Commandments and "Love Thy Neighbor" on them. Just call toll free 1-800-225-4008.
OCTOBER GARDEN CHECKLIST FOR THE SOUTHEAST
Trees and Shrubs
__ Rake fallen debris and apply fresh mulch.
__ Plant evergreens.
__ In milder areas, plant and transplant tropicals.
__ In colder areas, plant deciduous trees and shrubs.
Roses
__ Continue to cut back faded blooms to a healthy outside bud with five leaflets.
__ In milder areas, feed for the last time about six weeks before first expected frost.
__ In colder areas, plant roses. Prune climbers and secure them to supports.
Flowers
__ Plant new perennials and divide overgrown spring bloomers.
__ Unearth and store summer bulbs (like gladiolus).
__ In milder areas, continue to plant winter and early-spring bloomers.
__ In colder areas, plant early-spring bulbs (like tulips) and lilies.
__Plant pansies for fall color.Lawns
__ Fertilize lawns now for a sturdier lawn in winter and a stronger start in spring.
Vegetables and Herbs
__ Continue fall harvest, including pumpkins.
__ Protect empty garden areas by planting a cover crop or spread organic matter.
__ In milder areas, plant cauliflower, Chinese cabbage, garlic, leeks, peas, radishes, spinach, and Swiss chard.
__ In colder areas, harvest winter squash and other late crops.
WRITTEN BY A 12 YEAR-OLD-GIRL in Boston
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule.
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites
It violates the Bill of Rights.
Anytime my head I bow
Becomes a federal matter now.
The law is specific; the law is precise.
Praying out loud is no longer nice.
Praying aloud in a public hall
Upsets those who believe in nothing at all.
In silence alone we can meditate
and if God should get the credit-great!
They are bringing their guns,
I don't dare bring my Bible,
To do so might make me liable.
So, now Oh Lord, this plea I make;
Should I be shot in school,
My soul please take.
Princeton Abaraoha
Thanks for your prayers!
Our parent organization, Columbia International University, has a new president: George W. Murray. He is a CIU alumnus who has led The Evangelical Alliance Mission (TEAM) since 1994.
We've also mentioned the incredible testimony of the Martin family from Waxhaw. The Lord has done remarkable things for their youngest son, Zach, in the past year. After the car accident last fall, the prognosis was either death or complete paralysis. Instead, today he has nearly complete strength in his left side and his right side continues to improve. If you are led to help financially, the Zachary Tyler Martin Trust Fund has been established. The address is PO Box 329, Mineral Springs, NC 28108. The Martins were featured in a Union Observer cover story Sunday, Ocober 10, 1999.
Planning on seeing the fall colors this year?
You can use some of the numbers below to get "leaf color" reports and then plan on catching them at their best! Make a memory with your family and then call us on the morning show and tell us about it!
Asheville Area Chamber of Commerce/Convention & Visitors Bureau
1-800-257-1300
7 days a week
Information about Buncombe County
Great Smoky Mountains National Park
(423) 436-1200
7 days a week
High Country Host, Boone
1-800-438-7500
9am - 5pm, 7 days a week
Information on Ashe, Avery, Allegheny, Mitchell and Watauga Counties
OUR TIME
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers;
Wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints;
We spend more, but have less;
We buy more, but enjoy it less.
We have bigger houses and smaller families;
More conveniences, but less time;
We have more degrees, but less sense;
More knowledge, but less judgment;
More experts, but more problems;
More medicine, but less wellness.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life;
We've added years to life, not life to years.
We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.
We've conquered outer space, but not inner space;
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul;
We've split the atom, but not our prejudice.
We have higher incomes, but lower morals;
We've become long on quantity, but short on quality.
These are the times of tall men, and short character;
Steep profits, and shallow relationships.
These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare;
More leisure, but less fun;
More kinds of food, but less nutrition.
These are days of two incomes, but more divorce;
Of fancier houses, but broken homes.
It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom;
A time when technology can bring this poem to you,
And a time when you can choose either to make a difference...or just hit delete.
Jill's ideas for leveling the playing field and making Bowling more exciting:
(With these new rules, maybe I'll break 50 one day!)
1. Points awarded for "number of lanes crossed"
2. Deduct points if the ball hits the ground before it hits the pins.
3. Foul line guarded by high intensity laser.
4. You must catch your ball shot out of the ball return at 30 mph.
5. Blindfolds!
6. Roller skates instead of bowling shoes.
7. Two words: Exploding pins.
8. Each opposing team picks a person to be 'goalie'.
9. And of course you could always tell snail jokes while the opposing team is trying to bowl. They'll be so caught up in hilarious laughter, no one will get a strike!
A QUARTER WORTH $2,000???
Check your change, you may have a quarter worth a lot more than two-bits. South Carolina coin collectors Dale Presley, 38, and Gary Horton, 46, say they've found seven new Pennsylvania quarters - part of those being made to commemorate all 50 states - with the reverse side minted upside-down. Coin experts say it's too soon to know what they might be worth. Twenty upside-down dollar coins released in 1989 now are valued at about $2,000 each. When a normal quarter is turned over top to bottom, the reverse side is right side up. On these quarters, the reverse side is upside down, known as a ''rotated reverse.'' Presley and Horton said the Bureau of the Mint wanted the coins returned, but they refused. A mint spokesman said it's not known how many of the quarters are in circulation. The mint declined further comment while it investigates what happened. (USA TODAY)
NEW LABOR LAWS
Do you ever feel overworked, over-regulated, under-leisured and under benefited? Take heart, this notice was found in the ruins of a London office building.
It was dated 1852:
1. This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will now only have to be present between the hours of 6 a.m. and 7 p.m. weekdays.
2. Clothing must be of sober nature. The clerical staff will not disport themselves in raiment of bright colors, nor will they wear hose unless in good repair.
3. Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in the office, but neck scarves and head wear may be worn in inclement weather.
4. A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. Coal and wood must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of the clerical staff bring four pounds of coal each day during the cold weather.
5. No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without permission from the supervisor.
6. No talking is allowed during business hours.
7. Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the partaking of food is allowed between 11:30 and noon, but work will not on any account cease!!!.
8. Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens. A new sharpener is available on application to the supervisor.
9. The owners recognize the generosity of the new labor laws, but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near Utopian conditions.
If I learn my ABC's, can read 600 words per minute, and can write with perfect penmanship, but have not been shown how to communicate with the Designer of all language,
I have not been educated.
If I can deliver an eloquent speech and persuade you with my stunning logic, but have not been instructed in God's wisdom,
I have not been educated.
If I have read Shakespeare and John Locke and can discuss their writings with keen insight, but have not read the greatest of all books --- the Bible --- and have no knowledge of its personal importance,
I have not been educated.
If I have memorized addition facts, multiplication tables, and chemical formulas, but have never been disciplined to hide God's Word in my heart,
I have not been educated.
If I can explain the law of gravity and Einstein's theory of relativity, but have never been instructed in the unchangeable laws of the One Who orders our universe,
I have not been educated.
If I can classify animals by their family, genus and species, and can write a lengthy scientific paper that wins an award, but have not been introduced to the Maker's purpose for all creation,
I have not been educated.
If I can recite the Gettysburg Address and the Preamble to the Constitution, but have not been informed of the hand of God in the history of our country,
I have not been educated.
If I can play the piano, the violin, six other instruments, and can write music that moves men to tears, but have not been taught to listen to the Director of the universe and worship Him,
I have not been educated.
If I can run cross-country races, star in basketball and do 100 push-ups without stopping, but have never been shown how to bend my spirit to do God's will,
I have not been educated.
If I can identify a Picasso, describe the style of da Vinci, and even paint a portrait that earns an A+, but have not learned that all harmony and beauty comes from a relationship with God,
I have not been educated.
If I graduate with a perfect 4.0 and am accepted at the best university with a full scholarship, but have not been guided into a career of God's choosing for me,
I have not been educated.
If I become a good citizen, voting at each election and fighting for what is moral and right, but have not been told of the sinfulness of man and his hopelessness without Christ,
I have not been educated.
However, if one day I see the world as God sees it, and come to know Him, Whom to know is life eternal, and glorify God by fulfilling His purpose for me,
then, I have been educated!
The following appeared in an issue of Parenting Magazine. Yes, parenthood changes everything.
But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:
Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.
The Baby's Name
1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!
Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette
1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
If you desire to help financially in the wake of the shootings at Wedgewood Baptist Church in Ft. Worth Texas, there is a Wedgewood Victim's Memorial Fund. The address is 4520 James Ave., Fort Worth, TX 76115.
The Bible in fifty words or less!
God made
Adam bit
Noah arked
Abraham split
Joseph ruled
Jacob fooled
Bush talked
Moses balked
Pharaoh plagued
People walked
Sea divided
Tablets guided
Promise landed
Saul freaked
David peeked
Prophets warned
Jesus born
God walked
Love talked
Anger crucified
Hope died
Love rose
Spirit flamed
Word spread
God remained.
YOUR FAVORITE FOOTBALL TEAM REVEALS YOU PERSONALITY
Psychologist Dr. Charles McCalister says that people don't always root for their home team. And if you think about it, that's true. Folks often have favorite teams outside of their geographical prozimity. Dr. McCalister says that it's because people tend to lean toward a team that reflects their personalities. Here's what each NFL team says about it's fans...
Arizona Cardinals - These fans love art, music and maybe even a bit of ballet. They have a refined taste for the finer things in life.
Atlanta Falcons - These fans have strong roots in their families but are not afraid of change for the sake of progress.
Baltimore Ravens - These fans are the kind who will do anything to help a friend in a time of need.
Carolina Panthers - If you support this team you are not comfortable as a leader. You look to a higher authority to solve society's problems.
Chicago Bears - Nothing but the best will satisfy these folks. They are fiercely loyal to their friends, even if they might disagree with them.
Cincinnati Bengals - If you support this team you are an aggressive person who takes great pride in setting very high goals and doing your best to work toward them.
Dallas Cowboys - Fans of this team consider themselves intellectuals. They pride themselves on being knowledgeable on world news and events.
Denver Broncos - These fans love a surprise. They tend to frequently change their minds.
Detroit Lions - These fans are quick-thinkers. They can keep their cool when faced with last-minute changes.
Indianapolis Colts - These fans don't like being told what to do with their lives. They're stubbornly persistent.
Jacksonville Jaguars - Fans of this squad are strong-willed, independent thinkers who aren't afraid to tell everyone exactly what they think.
Kansas City Chiefs - These fans often come up with get-rich-quick schemes. But they're not selfish. . . they want to provide for loved ones.
Miami Dolphins - These fans survive the disappointments in their life by looking on the brighter side and counting their blessings.
Minnesota Vikings - These fans are very trustworthy people, even though they tend to be leery of others.
New England Patriots - These fans will start many projects with a lot of enthusiasm and won't tolerate any lack of efforts from others.
New Orleans Saints - These fans have a strong sense of humor and are always ready to party.
Oakland Raiders - These fans pride themselves in finding innovative solutions to everyday problems.
Philadelphia Eagles - These are very demanding people who tend to be argumentative. They aren't afraid to raise their voices to say they are right and everyone else is wrong.
San Francisco 49ers - Folks loyal to this team sometimes make enemies because they tend to look down on other people. But they are very honest and trustworthy people.
San Diego Chargers - People who support this team tend to be impatient. They won't tolerate having to wait for satisfaction.
Seattle Seahawks - People who support this team are interested in new technology and the latest in electronic gadgets and devices.
St. Louis Rams - These fans are optimists who keep smiling as they wait for their day to come.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - These fans look to tomorrow for a brighter day. They're very patient.
Tennessee Titans - These fans want to make everybody happy. . . even if they sometimes make a promise they can't deliver on. But they would never be dishonest with anyone.
Washington Redskins - People who like this team are natural leaders who enjoy being in control.
For decades, "experts" have been making predictions about what the year 2000 will be like. Here a few we shared on the Morning Show.
"A trip down an air street to see a neighbor may be on top of an individual flying platform; a trip to Europe by rocket may take only half an hour." ~ The New York Times, 1967
"Housewives [will] wash dirty dishes right down the drain! Cheap plastic would melt in hot water." And homes will be waterproof, so "the housewife of 2000 can do her cleaning with a hose." ~ Popular Mechanics, 1950
"We will press a button to formulate our clothing. We will have alternatives: what color, should it give off steam, do we want it to light up, do we want it to sparkle or do we prefer a matte finish, do we want it to glow in the dark, do we want an invisible shield?" ~ Betsy Johnson, fashion designer
Pretty Exciting, huh? We wonder how many of these "predictions" will actually come true in the next few months(?). : )
WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE?
If you were buying candy and you had to make only one choice among the following, which would you choose? Baby Ruth, 3 Musketeers, Butterfingers, Snickers, Hershey's, Almond Joys, Clark Bar, Good 'N Plenty, Energy Bar, Chocolate Coated Raisins.
Baby Ruth - loving, cuddly. You love all warm fuzzy items. A little nutty. Sometimes you need a little treat like an ice cream cone at the end of the day.
3 Musketeers - You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your saber.
Butterfinger - Smoothly articulate, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time.
Snickers - Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Everyone enjoys being around you. You are a practical joker -- others should be cautious when shaking hands with you.
Hershey's - Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt and get gushy if held too close.
Almond Joy - Romantic, always ready to give and receive, very energetic, and really like to get into life.
Clark Bar - You like sports, whether baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control.
Good 'N Plenty - You are a very fun loving person who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to go to the movies with you. Children find you amusing.
Energy Bar - You are very active. You are so active, life is passing you by. Get a life!
Chocolate Covered Raisins - You go to the bathroom often.
PASTOR BLASTED FOR GENUINE PRAYER
As the members of the Kansas House of Representatives stood and bowed in prayer at the opening of a recent session, many were shocked and offended by what they heard - a heartfelt prayer of corporate confession, forgiveness and divine guidance.
One representative walked out, another sat down in protest. The Wichita Eagle reported : "And the House came alive with the flutter of agitation that comes from offense and its often loud response."
"I have never heard in 10 years as divisive, sanctimonious, self-serving, overbearing prayer as I have heard this morning," one representative said.
Rev. Joe Wright who offered the prayer said, "Prayer is prayer. I'm praying to God when I'm praying. I'm not up here to put on a show. I'm there to pray. I don't do it any differently in public than in private..."
The full text of Rev. Wright's prayer:
Heavenly Father,
We come before you today to ask your forgiveness and seek your direction and guidance. We know your Word says, "Woe to those who call evil good," but that's exactly what we've done. We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and inverted our values. We confess that we have ridiculed the absolute truth of your Word and called it moral pluralism.
We have worshipped other gods and called it multi-culturalism.
We have endorsed perversion and called it an alternative lifestyle.
We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery.
We have neglected the needy and called it self-preservation.
We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare.
We have killed our unborn and called it choice.
We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable.
We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building esteem.
We have abused power and called it political savvy.
We have coveted our neighbors' possessions and called it ambition.
We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression.
We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment.
Search us, O God, and know our hearts today; try us and see if there be some wicked way in us; cleanse us from every sin and set us free.
Guide and bless these men and women who have been sent here by the people of Kansas, and who have been ordained by you, to govern this great state. Grant them your wisdom to rule, and may their decisions direct us to the center of your will. I ask it in the name of your son, the Living Savior, Jesus Christ.
Amen. 12 STEP PROGRAM OF RECOVERY FOR WEB ADDICTS - Submitted by Ugur Pembecioglu
_________________________________
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
Y2K Psalm
(based on Psalm 139)
O Lord, You have searched me, and known me. You know when I sit down at my PC, and when I step away. You understand my modem, and the whole e-mail thing. You know the way I let the Internet waste my time, but too, how it has let me keep in contact with family and friends around the globe. Even before I've touched the keyboard, You know what I'll write. It is hard for me to comprehend that You're standing at my shoulder everytime I sign on AOL.
You are awesome, Lord, and the Y2K uncertainties can't disturb You, like they do me and lots of people around me. Where can I go that Your spirit isn't with me? Or could I get away from Your love and protection, if I was running in fear come Jan. 1, 2000?
If my electricity shuts down, You are there. If I have to sleep under 2 down comforters to keep warm when my gas furnace fails to operate, You are there. If the city can't keep the water pumping, or my ATM is "out of service," You'll take care of me. If, on Dec. 31, 1999, I cry "surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night," even the darkness is not dark to you, and the night is bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike, to You.
You made me Lord, and You love me. Your works have no glitches, no shutdowns, no power failures. My days, with or without computers, were planned by You before I was even born!
You, Lord, are without limits, always knowing, and seeing, and doing. Faith in technology is a sin, and I pray for Your forgiveness for the times I've trusted it with my comfort, happiness and cash.
Help me to be faithful to You, and not panic when I hear of shortages, outages and chaos. Help me to be prepared to help others, physically and spiritually. Let me be an enemy of fearmongers, and help me to show those who are truly afraid of the future how to put their trust in You, Lord, the Almighty One.
Keep Your eye on me, O God, and touch my heart. Give me Your peace, and make me share it with others. Keep my eyes on You, now and forever.
Joe and Jill interviewed Tim, the Duct Tape Guy. Tim is one half of a duct tape duo. He and his brother-in-law Jim have written three books about the uses of duct tape. You can read more about them by logging on to www.octane.com.
The following are some duct tape suggestion from Tim, the Duct Tape Guy.
TOP TEN USES FOR DUCT TAPE THIS FATHER'S DAY:
10) Remote Control control: Duct tape the remote onto Dad's arm so he never has to relinquish remote control use to the wife and kids.
9) Keep the junk mail and bills away by duct taping the mail box shut.
8) A gift necktie made entirely out of duct tape is not only a nifty fashion statement, but also resists stains from Dad's spilling problem!
7) Lower Dad's receding hairline by applying a strip of duct tape from the forehead to the underside of the chin. When Dad opens his mouth, it will pull that hairline right back down into place.
6) Dad's hairline recession on it's way down the BACK side of his head? Simply fashion a duct tape toupee and tape it onto Dad's dome. He'll be able to swim in it, play tennis in it, even bowl in it with complete confidence!
5) Cover Dad's golf club head with duct tape -- the impression that the ball makes in the tape will show him why he keeps getting that nasty hook or slice.
4) Soak strips of beef in marinade, then stick the strips of meat on a piece of duct tape hanging over the kitchen sink (to Catch the drips) until it air dries into a tasty beef jerky for Dad to enjoy.
3) Here's a neat gift idea: Grass Clipping Retrieval Shoes. Simply cover an old pair of snowshoes with duct tape, sticky-side-out, so Dad is picking up the grass clippings as he mows.
2) Another bald Dad hint: If Dad misses that fly-away hair look, duct tape a couple of pigeons to his head.
1) And the number one use for Duct Tape this Father's Day: Duct Tape the toilet seat UP! ~ Jill thinks this one is a BAD idea!!
Joe's Rules for "Dating My Daughter":
1) You do not touch my daughter in front of me - you may only glance at her.
2) In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early".
3) I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. However, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no on else but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
4) As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Happy Memorial Day! The following are poetic tributes to members of the armed services who actually lost their lives in service to our nation:
"Your silent tents of green
We deck with fragrant flowers;
Yours has the suffering been,
The memory shall be ours."
~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"Soldier, rest! thy warfare o'er,
Sleep the sleep that knows not breaking,
Dream of battled fields no more.
Days of danger, nights of waking."
~ Sir Walter Scott
In honor of graduates, we shared the following encouragement on Wednesday morning, May 26th.
A COMMENCEMENT SPEECH FOR GRADUATES
ATTITUDE by Chuck Swindoll
The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company, a church, a home. The remarkable thing is that we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string that we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you. ... we are in charge of our attitudes.
Are you having a bad day? Wondering if God cares about that tough situation you're facing at home or at work? Of course He does. Here's a story that exemplifies how God answers every prayer. The following was e-mailed to us by a New Life 91.9 listener:
BLESSINGS!
If we sometimes wonder why we carry heavy loads...
Brenda was a young woman who wanted to learn to go rock climbing. Although she was scared to death she went with a group and they faced this tremendous cliff of rock. Practically perpendicular. In spite of her fear, she put on the gear and she took a hold of the rope and she started up the face of that rock.
Well, she got to a ledge where she could take a breather. As she was hanging on there, whoever was holding the rope up at the top of the cliff made a mistake and snapped the rope against Brenda's eye and knocked out her contact lens. You know how tiny contact lenses are and how almost impossible to find. Well, here she is on a rock ledge, with who knows how many hundreds of feet behind and hundreds of feet above her. Of course, she looked and looked and looked, hoping that she would be able to find that contact lens. Here she was, very far from home. Her sight was now blurry. She was very upset by the fact that she wouldn't be anywhere near a place where she could get a new contact lens. So, she prayed that the Lord would help her to find it. Well, her last hope was that perhaps when she got to the top of the cliff, one of the girls that was up there on the top might be able to find her contact lens in the corner of her eye. When she got to the tops, a friend examined her eye, but there was no contact lens to be found. She sat down with the rest of the party, waiting for the rest of them to come up the face of the cliff.
She looked out across range after range of mountains, thinking of that Bible verse that says, "The eyes of the Lord run to and from throughout the whole earth." She thought, "Lord, You can see all these mountains. You know every single stone and leaf that's on those mountains and You know exactly where my contact lens is." Finally, the time came when it was time to go down. They walked down the trail to the bottom. Just as they got there, there was a new party of rock climbers coming along. As one of them started up the face of the cliff, she shouted out, "Hey, you guys! Anybody lose a contact lens?" Well, that would be startling enough, wouldn't it? She had found the contact lens! But you know why she saw it? An ant was carrying that contact lens so that it was moving slowly across the face of the rock.
What does that tell you about the God of the universe? Is He in charge of the tiniest things? Do ants matter to Him? Of course they do. He made them. He designed them. Brenda told me that her father is a cartoonist. When she told him this incredible story, he drew a picture of that ant lugging that contact lens with the words, "Lord, I don't know why You want me to carry this thing. I can't eat it and it's awfully heavy. But if this is what You want me to do, I'll carry it for You."
If God is in charge of the ants, don't you think He cares about you and me? I guess Solomon was right. One could learn a valuable lesson from that ant: TRUST IN GOD!
We could probably all say a little more often, "God, I don't know why you want me to carry this load. I see no good in it and it's awfully heavy. Still, if you want me to, I'll carry it for You."
We heard your biggest pet peeves at home and at the office. We thought you might need something encouraging to remind you that maybe your office is not so bad after all. So...
The top ten signs of a really, really bad office or work place:
10. Bathroom key tied to an angry ferret.
9. Christmas bonus: your very own stapler!
8. Office intercom is two soup cans and a piece of string
7. Hard to concentrate with all of those "60 Minutes" reporters hanging around.
6. Boss walks around wearing Post-It notes as a watch.
5. Every week, each cubicle is subdivided into four smaller cubicles.
4. Instead of white-out, you're encouraged to use mayonnaise.
3. After a few hours on your desk, the people in your family photos quit smiling.
2. Cafeteria lunch special is whatever got caught in the glue trap.
1. No desks in the office - everybody squats!!
The following letter to the editor was printed in the San Angelo Standard-Times.
How can we blame it all on guns?
Editor:
For the life of me, I can't understand what could have gone wrong in Littleton, Colorado. If only the parents had kept their children away from the guns, we wouldn't have had such a tragedy. Yeah, it must have been the guns.
It couldn't have been because of half our children being raised in broken homes.
It couldn't have been because our children get to spend an average of 30 seconds in meaningful conversation with their parents each day. After all, we give our children quality time.
It couldn't have been because we treat our children as pets and our pets as children.
It couldn't have been because we place our children in day care centers where they learn their socialization skills among their peers under the law of the jungle while employees who have no vested interest in the children look on and make sure that no blood is spilled.
It couldn't have been because we allow our children to watch, on average, seven hours of television a day filled with the glorification of sex and violence that isn't fit for adult consumption.
It couldn't have been because we allow our children to enter into virtual worlds in which, to win the game, one must kill as many opponents as possible in the most sadistic way possible.
It couldn't have been because we have sterilized and contracepted our families down to sizes so small that the children we do have are so spoiled with material things that they come to equate the receiving of the material with love.
It couldn't have been because our children, who historically have been seen as a blessing from God, are now being viewed as either a mistake created when contraception fails or inconveniences that parents try to raise in their spare time.
It couldn't have been because our nation is the world leader in developing a culture of death in which 20 million to 30 million babies have been killed by abortion.
It couldn't have been because we give two-year prison sentences to teen-agers who kill their newborns.
It couldn't have been because our school systems teach the children that they are nothing but glorified apes who have evolutionized out of some primordial soup of mud by teaching evolution as fact and by handing out condoms as if they were candy.
It couldn't have been because we teach our children that there are no laws of morality that transcend us, that everything is relative and that actions don't have consequences. What the heck, the president gets away with it.
Nah, it must have been the guns.
Addison L. Dawson
San Angelo
Jill and Joe interviewed Bruce Bickel and Stan Jantz, otherwise known as Bruce and Stan, Monday morning, on New Life 91.9. Their latest book, Bruce & Stan's Guide to the End of the World; A User-Friendly Approach, addresses end times prophecy in God's word. Bruce and Stan use humor, scripture, and an easy format to lay out some of the key issues on the Last Days. Bruce and Stan can be reached at guide@bruceandstan.com or via the USPS at Bruce and Stan - P.O. Box 25565 - Fresno, CA 93729-5565. Their web address is bruceandstan.com.
The following is an excerpt from Bruce & Stan's Guide to the End of the World; A User-Friendly Approach.
You are "End-Times Insensitive" if...
- You think the "Apocalypse" is a car manufactured by Toyota.
- All of the talk about the "Doomsday Event" has you baffled. You can't figure out why everyone is making such a fuss about a WWF wrestling match.
- You ignore people when they fret about the political turmoil in the Middle East because you don't vote in New York.
- The increasing frequency of floods, earthquakes, droughts, and other environmental disaster is of no concern to you (except for ruining the coffee bean harvests and raising the cost of a Starbuck's latte).
- You're skeptical about a cataclysmic end of the world since it didn't already happen during a John Tesh concert.
The Morning Show with Joe and Jill on New Life 91.9 salutes police officers throughout the Carolinas during Police Week! Here's a tribute we shared on Thursday, May 13th.
What Are Policemen Made Of?
By Paul Harvey.
What is a policeman made of? He, of all men, is at once the most needed and the most unwanted.
He's a strangely nameless creature who is "sir" to his face and "the fuzz" behind his back. He must be a diplomat so that he can settle difference between individuals in a way that each will think he won.
But, if the policeman is neat, he's conceited. If he's careless, he's a bum. If he's pleasant, he's a flirt. If he's not, he's a grouch.
In an instant, he must make decisions that would require months for a lawyer. But if he hurries, he's careless -- if he's deliberate, he's lazy.
He must be first to an accident and infallible with a diagnosis.
He must be able to start breathing, stop bleeding, tie splints and, above all, be sure the victim goes home without a limp. Or, he must expect to be sued.
The police officer must know every gun, draw on the run and hit where it doesn't hurt. He must be able to whip two men twice his size and half his age without damaging his uniform and without being "brutal."
If you hit him, he's a coward -- if he hits you, he's a bully.
A policeman must, from a single human hair, be able to describe the crime, the weapon and the criminal -- and tell you where the criminal is hiding. But if he catches the criminal, he's lucky -- if he doesn't he's a dunce.
If he gets promoted, he has political pull. If he doesn't, he's a dullard.
The policeman must chase bum leads to dead ends and stakeout 10 nights to tag one witness who saw it happen but refuses to remember.
He runs files and writes reports until his eyes ache -- all in order to build a case against some felon who'll get dealed-out by a shameless shamus or an "honorable" who isn't.
The policeman must be a minister, a social worker, a diplomat, a tough guy and a gentleman.
And, of course, he has to be a genius, for only he has to feed a family on a policeman's salary.
copyright 1995 Paul Harvey, Inc.
ULCERS 'R US
From the Jobs Rated Almanac, here's the list of the top 10 stress-inducing careers:
10. Air traffic controller
9. NFL Football player
8. Police Officer
7. Astronaut
6. Surgeon
5. Taxi Driver
4. Race Car Driver
3. Senior Corporate Executive
2. Firefighter
1. The most stressful job you can have ~ President of the United States
REFLECTIONS OF A MOTHER
I gave you life, but cannot live it for you.
I can teach you things, but I cannot make you learn.
I can give you directions, but I cannot be there to lead you.
I can allow you freedom, but I cannot account for it.
I can take you to church, but I cannot make you believe.
I can teach you right from wrong, but I cannot always decide for you.
I can buy you beautiful clothes, but I cannot make you beautiful inside.
I can offer you advice, but I cannot accept it for you.
I can give you love, but I cannot force it upon you.
I can teach you to share, but I cannot make you unselfish.
I can teach you respect, but I cannot force you to show honor.
I can advise you about friends, but cannot choose them for you.
I can advise you about sex, but I cannot keep you pure.
I can tell you the facts of life, but I can't build your reputation.
I can tell you about drink, but I can't say "no" for you.
I can warn you about drugs, but I can't prevent you from using them.
I can tell you about lofty goals, but I can't achieve them for you.
I can teach you about kindness, but I can't force you to be gracious.
I can warn you about sins, but I cannot make you moral.
I can love you as a child, but I cannot place you in God's family.
I can pray for you, but I cannot make you walk with God.
I can teach you about Jesus, but I cannot make Jesus your Lord.
I can tell you how to live, but I cannot give you eternal life.
I can love you with unconditional love all of my life... and I will!!
THINGS EVERY MOM KNOWS
1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing a Superman Cape.
2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on al four walls of a 20X20 foot room.
3. A 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
6. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
7. The glass in the average window (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
8. A 6-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
9. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball cleats, it does not leak - it explodes.
11. A king-sized waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 square foot house four inches deep.
God's Flower Garden
Close your eyes for just a moment.
Can you see Heaven when you do?
Can you see God in His garden of flowers?
Making each one as beautiful as you.
He starts with just the tiniest seed,
And plants it with loving care.
And before He can even realize it,
The seed is a blossom, with beauty so rare.
We too compare to God's flower.
Each mother is blessed from above.
God sends forth the tiniest seed,
And we too have a blossom to love.
- Yvonne Unroe - In honor of her Mother who passed away in 1990.
MOTHER POEM
M is for the million things she gave me.
O means only that she's growing old,
T is for the tears she shed to save me,
H is for her heart of purest gold;
E is for her eyes, with love-light shining,
R means right, and right she'll always be,
Put them all together, they spell
MOTHER,
A word that means the world to me.
Howard Johnson (c. 1915)
Something to think about...
In the mid 80's, this teenager named Brian Warner began to go to a youth group. He was sort of an awkward kid, and no one really wanted to talk to him. The youth pastor would go over to him, and like do the usual pastor thing, you know, how are you, that's good, and then talk to the other more popular kids.
One day they went to an amusement park, and the pastor wanted them to be in pairs, but no one wanted to pair with Brian, so he walked the park by himself. The pastor didn't think he really need to talk to Brian because he went to a Christian academy all his life up to 8th grade, and was raised in the church. Brian was at church for about 3 1/2 months, and one day he just stopped coming.
Later on about a few years later, the youth pastor had become leader of a seminary, and one of his students was now a youth pastor, and he called him up. He asked his former pastor if he remembered a kid named Brian Warner. The pastor kinda remembered the name, but after a bit of description he knew who he was. The guy asked his pastor, do you know who he is now?
The former pastor said no. The guy gave him a hint, "He doesn't go by Brian anymore." The pastor was stumped. He replied, "Brian Warner is now Marilyn Manson."
This is a true story. As you can tell, the boy in this story, Brian, was shunned by the "Christians" in this youth group. If you think hard enough, if he had been accepted into the group, he might not be what he is today. He is a hurt man. Regardless of his actions, he still has feelings, and truly believes that is what Christianity is all about. If some could reach him, maybe, just maybe, he could be able to bring millions of teenagers into Heaven, instead of leading down the road to hell.
Just something to think about...
Send this to all your friends. Let them know, that no matter how weird or awkward the person may seem, never ever be a snob towards them. They may need your love.
"I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me." Mat 25:45
We listed the latest update of the wounded in last week's shooting tragedy in Littleton, Colorado. Please pray for each one of the following as you continue to pray for the families who lost friends and loved ones in this tragedy.
According to the Associate Press, this is the latest report of shooting victims who were hospitalized after the incident at Columbine High School:
Swedish Medical Center:
* Anne Marie Hochhalter, 17, serious condition. She has a single gunshot wound to the chest. Also suffered injuries to her liver, intensive care unit.
* Richard Castaldo, 17, fair condition following surgery Thursday night. He has five gunshot wounds to chest, back, arm and colon, intensive care unit.
* Valeen Schnurr, 18, fair and stable condition. Suffered at least nine shrapnel and bullet wounds to chest, abdomen and left forearm, multi-trauma unit.
University Hospital:
* Mark Taylor, 16, fair condition with gunshot wounds to chest, arms and one leg.
Denver Health Medical Center:
* Lance Kirklin, 16, critical but stable condition after undergoing surgery on his face Saturday. Multiple gunshot wounds to face, chest and legs, intensive care.
* Lisa Kreutz, 18, fair condition with multiple gunshot wounds to body.
* Mark Kintgen, 17, released Friday. Multiple gunshot wounds to neck and head.
* Jeanna Park, 18, fair condition with gunshot wounds to leg and shoulder.
St. Anthony Central Hospital:
* Male, 15, fair condition, gunshot wounds, intensive care.
* Kasey Ruegsegger, 17, serious but stable condition, gunshot wounds, intensive care.
* Patrick Ireland, 17, fair condition, gunshot wounds to the head, intensive care.
* Makai Hall, 16, treated and released Friday afternoon, gunshot wounds.
Littleton Adventist Hospital:
* Jennifer Doyle, 17, released Friday afternoon, gunshot wounds.
* Stephanie Munson, 17, treated and released with gunshot wound to ankle.
* Adam Kyler, 16, treated and released for abdominal pain.
* Stephen Austin Eubanks, treated and released with gunshot wounds to head and knee.
* Nick Foss, 18, treated and released for injuries from a 15-foot fall.
* Dan Steepleton, 17, treated and released, gunshot wounds.
* Joyce Jankowski, 45, treated and released.
* Pat Nielson, 35, treated and released.
Exempla Lutheran Medical Center:
* Brian Anderson, 17, treated and released. Suffered superficial wound to chest when gunman shot through double-paned window.
* Nicole Nowlen, 16, treated and released, gusnhot wounds to abdomen.
Here is the tax poem we read (we need all the humor we can get when it comes to this...)
THE NIGHT OF TAX DAY
'Twas the night of Tax day...
And all thru the house,
Every creature was whirring,
Even the mouse.
The floppy was placed in the disk drive with care,
In certainty Saint Silicon soon would be there.
The chips were nestled
All snug in their sockets,
Their RAM filled with visions of STARWARS and ROCKETS.
And Mamma in her kerchief
And I in my cap
Had just settled down
For a long ev'ning's rap,
When out of the drives there arose such a racket,
I raised up my fist, right ready to whack it.
Away to the printer I flew like a flash,
Threatening to turn it off in a dash!*
More rapid than junk FAX these tax forms they came,
And it booped and it beeped and it called 'em by name:
Now Form 1040! Now Form 1065! Now Schedules A and D too!
On! Form 1120! Form 4562!! Form 1098!!! Form 8362!!!!
To the top of the ladder,
To the top of the heap!
Just go away,
Go Away!
I gotta sleep.
As stray bits which down the cable do fly,
When they meet with the processor, soon go awry,
So up the tab all these taxes they flew,
With a surtax
And threats of penalty and interest too!
Now it may be some virus was having its yucks,
But the total was over 87 kilobux.
So she read all the Pubs, and she said, "It's a pain in the neck!"*
Then we signed all the forms, and we wrote 'em a check.
And crossing her fingers and blowing her nose
And giving a nod, from her chair she arose.
She ran to her van, to the key gave a twist,
With a spray of gravel, you could tell she was jist.
And I heard her exclaim as she roared out of sight --
"I think in Paducah they'll postmark it midnight."
- Written by David P. Beiter, copyright 1990, 1996
* Italicized lines were edited by New Life 91.9
Cost-Cutting Tips phoned in from helpful listeners:
1. Use Bounty paper towels instead of baby wipes. You can either wet them one at a time, or do what Joe Paulo does. He and Kelly cut their towel rolls in half and keep one section in a tupperware container with a little soap and warm water. We also heard this morning that if you want to leave out the soap which can be harsh, you can simply store the half rolls in vinegar which is also good for diaper rash. A tip on cutting those paper towel rolls: borrow a friend's band saw and do them all at once.
2. Take some fabric softener and place a quarter of a cup into a tupperware container. Fill the rest of the container with hot water. Then, cut a sponge into several pieces, placing the pieces into the container. When you are ready to put your clothes in the dryer, throw in one of the sponge pieces with them. Then, when the clothes are dry, place the piece of sponge back into the container. This way you can make one bottle of fabric softener last for about an entire year! - Thanks, Nanette!
And, we also had the top five signs that you're company may be taking this cost cutting thing a little too far:
5. The head of purchasing goes to employees' homes and takes back any office supplies that he/she finds there.
4. Water coolers are coin operated.
3. To get paid company life insurance, you have to sell ten policies to your relatives.
2. To call in sick, you have to use a 900 number.
1. Company blood drives are now considered a profit center.
The Kosovo War may open doors for the Gospel.
Joe and Jill recently interviewed Ray Miles, the Director for Eastern Europe of Christian Aid Mission, to discuss the impact the war is having on the refugees. We hear about the military impact and the humanitarian side of the war, but we must not forget the spiritual side as well. You can find more information about Christian Aid Mission by calling 804-977-5650 or going to www.christianaid.org.
Jill tried the following on Joe and Ken on Monday Morning, 3/29/. It actually works! Of course, Ken wouldn't reveal what he came up with for the last two digits...
THE "OH DEAR, I ENJOY EATING OUT
BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER MY AGE!" GAME:
1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to eat out.
2. Multiply this number by 2.
3. Add 5.
4. Multiply it by 50.
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1749. If you haven't, add 1748.
6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should now have a three digit number:
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to go out each week). The second two digits are your age!!! This is the only year (1999) it will ever work, so spread the fun around while it lasts...
DO YOU GET TOO MUCH JUNK MAIL?
Here's the address of the company to write to to get about 90% of the junk mail stopped at your house:
Mail Preference Service
Direct Marketing Association
PO Box 9008
Farmingdale, NY 11735-9008
Tell them to take your name off the list and by law they have to!